July 16, 2019. This is the day that changed my life. I had an appointment that morning to have a mammogram. I had been feeling a small lump in my left breast, but wasn’t concerned. When I visited my OB/GYN, he said that it was probably nothing and I should just have it checked out since I’m close to 40.
I arrive, go through the pain of having a mammogram (Girls, you know what I’m talking about!), and waited to have the ultrasound my doctor had ordered. Still, I thought nothing of all of it.
As I lay on the table, waiting for the nurse to finish the ultrasound, she kindly told me the radiologist has to look at the ultrasound. The doctor walked in, moved the doppler around my left breast and my armpit, and then stopped. Without any emotion, and as matter-of-fact as any one person can say, he told me, “You have cancer.”
I couldn’t believe it! This was supposed to be no big deal. This was nothing. He must have it wrong.
He didn’t. After a biopsy confirmed that I did have breast cancer and it had spread to my lymph nodes, I couldn’t deny it anymore. The next two weeks were a blur with tests, scans, doctor visits, second opinions, and plans to treat this invasion in my body.
For those that don’t know me, I’m a strong person. I’ve faced many challenges in my life and have always come out ahead. I’ve put on the armor of God and faced what comes carried by His love and protection. However, I’ll be the first to admit that in the two weeks that followed my diagnosis, I fell apart. I questioned God. I asked, “Why me?”. I doubted His love. Where was He in all of this?
I struggled to find my faith. Because I doubted the God that had held me so many times before, I started to let in the voice that would begin to weaken all that I knew was true. I didn’t put my trust in Him.
After meeting with a multitude of doctors and knowing my plan for the start of chemo, I had a night where I just couldn’t sleep. After letting all of the emotions, worry, fear, anxiety, and anger from the last few weeks build up, I knew something needed to change. I knew that I needed to drive this voice out of my head and open my heart again to God. I prayed to God that He would forgive me for my lack of faith and to direct me to His Word. Opening the Bible, I came directly to this verse.
“No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it.”
1 Corinthians 10:13
I broke down. How could I allow doubt to creep in when I needed God more than ever?
He is faithful and did provide a way out for me that night. From that moment on, I put the armor of God back on and devoted my cancer journey to bearing witness to all what God has done for me. Although I’m free of cancer, my journey has not been without more challenges and cancer scares. I trust that God is always faithful and will never leave me, even in my darkest days.